How did you get here? Suddenly you are surrounded by jerseyed, overly invested, football fans. Not to fear, this guide will get even the most novice fan through any football game.
Keep it cheap. Light, crappy beer is the key to football games. Leave your craft beer hobby or hard liquor diet at home. This is going to be a long game. You are going to drink a lot. Craft beer or liquor will guarantee you’re either passed out by halftime. Get a pitcher. You are in this for the long haul. Pro Tip: Get more beer right after the commercial break–the lines will be shorter and let’s be honest, you don’t care what happens in this game.
They suck when they make a call against your team. They suck even more when they miss a call. If fans around you are looking tense yelling “that was pass interference!” or “Anybody can see that’s holding!” – this may be a time to get that beer refill. These are two calls that you are not going to understand, so don’t even try because people will complain about the calls for a solid five minutes.
If a ref makes a questionable call in favor of your team, blindly cheer and pretend you don’t know what went wrong, because, well, you don’t really know do you. Refs can decide a game, so we put up with them for the moments they make questionable calls in favor of your team. When in doubt, blindly hating refs is a solid fan strategy taken by fanatics of all sports.
There are a few ways that teams can score points, and the point values will seem as though they are randomly being assigned. Sometimes when they kick the ball it will be worth three points, sometimes one point after a touchdown. These are the kind of details you don’t need to worry about as an amateur fan. The key to watching this game is not to get caught up in how points were scored or why a sack in the end zone gives a team two points. Here’s when points matter –
Alright, so now you’ve gotten the main tips for watching football when your entire life isn’t dependent on this game. You may see the slight ridiculousness in this sport, but this is more important than anything – don’t be a dick. So you don’t really care who wins this game, so you can’t really keep track of what’s going on. Don’t let that impact those around you who do care.
If you are unable to watch a football game without a good attitude, stay home. But for those of us who do enjoy the game environment, even though we don’t have a clue what it means when everyone around yells to “Run the Table”.